A Kaiya Post

Dear Kaiya Faith,
Although I talk to you all the time and you are constant in my thoughts and my heart, I have never wrote a letter to you and put my words down on print.

My precious Angel, I dreamed of having a baby girl my whole life. The moment I found out we were pregnant, I was already picturing what you would look like and what your personality would be like. One thing I didn't have to wonder about but already knew, was that you had a beautiful heart. At our 7 week appointment you were the first baby we saw. Your heartbeat fluttering away was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. At that moment I had never been happier. Your heart rate was 139. I guessed at that moment you were a girl. The Dr. at the time didn't see Romans heartbeat so he thought we were just having you until Dustin saw Roman's heart beating on the monitor. It has now been 7 months since I held you for the first and last time and you grew your beautiful wings.

At each appointment I couldn't wait to see how much you had grown and get a glimpse at your beautiful profile. You were always pretty calm and laid back and Roman was the hyper one. Unlike Roman, you always measured right on target or a little ahead and were always the bigger baby. You were perfect in every way-4 chambers of your heart, perfect brain, perfect blood flow, perfect spine, all 10 fingers and toes, everything was perfect (believe me I had the Dr check EVERYTHING).

I will never forget the 1st time I saw your sweet profile. Again I guessed you were a girl. You were the 1st one a family member felt kick (Aunt Misti). I knew which side you were on and when you would kick, I would say "That's Kaiya-Dustin wanna feel your daughter?" In front of 100 family and friends we found out we were having 2 boys. I was in shock and didn't believe it. Two weeks later when the Dr. realized he had made a mistake, all I could do was laugh! I was overcome with Joy.

I picked the perfect name for you and hope you love it. Kaiya means a diamond in the sky. Thats exactly what you are! Your middle name Faith embodies you as well. Kaiya you have brought Faith to so many people!!!! You are a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a greatgrandaughter, a niece, and An Angel.

I received this letter in the mail to weeks ago-
Kacey-I'm not all that good with words so this might not come out very well, but...I read all your blogs and posts and looked at all your pictures you posted about the journey of your twins, and what happened to baby Kaiya. I was struggling with my faith at the time and I tough it was beyond amazing the steadfast and unwavering confidence in the Lord and the attitude you were able to keep. That God had a plan and even though it ws much different than yours, you never doubted Him. Over the last several months my faith and relationship with God has has grown and is still growing and your story stays fresh in my mind. Whenever I have doubts or wonder about God's will. So long story short, I was very inspired by all the beautiful Kaiya skies and I made this hat for you to resemble a "Kaiya Sky" based on one of the pictures. Thank you again for sharing your story and giving me more inspiration than you could know. This was the Kaiya Sky picture she said was inspiration for the hat. I was in tears after reading this letter. There are countless stories like this and I am completely amazed at what your short lived life has accomplished. You have made me one proud momma!! You are the true essence of the word Faith. Your life and journey strengthened not only my faith but so many others. I know your looking down seeing the impact you have had on so many lives. I know that All things work together for Good (Romans 8:28). God Revealed that scripture to me the day your heart stopped beating. Man I didn't know so much Good was going to come from that devastating day.

We are marching in the March of Dimes this year for you and in honor of you and we have raised almost $1500.00 to go towards research in preventing still born, birth defects, and prematurity! (If anyone would like to donate to Team Kaiya go to http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?seid=1531945 You have until Friday at midnight to donate) You can view Team Kaiya's page at that link.

I heard a song that encompasses all my feelings and opens my eyes and heart to everything we went through- We pray for blessings, we pray for peace, comfort for families, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering. But all the while You hear each spoken need. Yet love is way to much to give us lesser things. Cause what if Your blessing come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears. What is a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know Your near. What if the trials in this life are Your mercies in disguise. We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot fell you near. We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love; as if every Promise from Your word is not enough. But all the while you hear each desperate plea. As long as we have faith to believe. When darkness seems to be all we know, the pain reminds this heart that THIS IS NOT OUR HOME! What if the aching of my loss is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? What if the rains and the storms and the sleepless nights are Your mercies in disguise

I know our God is a loving God and even though He gives and takes away, all things work together for Good. 'I promised to direct your path, and I have. This is the path I have led you to follow. Trust Me.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)remember My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts higher than yours…TRUST ME with her because I have a plan and I love her more than you will ever know.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

You were Baby A, and You were who made me the mother I tried for so many years to be. I am so thankful that you never had to endure the pains of this life. Its bitter sweet. When I start to feel sad for not being able to ever see you smile, laugh or even meet you while your heart was still beating, God stops me in my tracks and reassures me that You were never meant to walk a foot on this earth. Your purpose was fulfilled and what a mighty purpose it was and is. I have just as much love for you as my daughter in Heaven as I do for Roman here on Earth. I count myself so blessed to have both a child (Angel) in Heaven and a child on Earth. You are our Angel that God sent ahead of us to guard us along the way and to bring us to the place He has prepared for us.-Exodus 23:20. We took Roman to your grave for the first time, and he would not take his eyes off your marker!! We had the whole family gathered around yelling at him to look up at the camera and now matter what he wouldn't take his eyes off you!! Someone took the Angel I had for you off of your grave, so I bought another one and just keep it in my car so everytime I go visit you I can carry it up there and take it back to my car. I feel you were too good for this Earth. I know just as God had plans for your short life in my belly, He has countless other plans for you in Heaven and as our Angel in Heaven. I feel you with me everyday when I cry for you. I feel your prescense in my Kaiya Skies when I see them or when people send me one. What an honor to have people look at the beautiful artwork of our God and think of you!! Every time a friend or stranger sends me a Kaiya Sky I get chills or teary eyed. You have made death not be scary, because I cannot wait until the day I get to hold you for eternity.

I feel your prescence in your nursery. I have touches of you all over it. Over the door way I have a blown up picture of you in my belly and its a close up of your face. As I rock Roman to sleep with his lullabies playing, I look at you and sing to you too. I love to look over to my right and see your tiny handprints and footprints. Thank you for comforting me every night during this time. This time is so special and sacred to me and I could freeze this time every night forever. Sometimes I'll replay the cd even after Roman has fallen asleep because I'm not ready to say goodnight to you yet. That's how close I feel to you!

You are still touching people's lives and I believe you always will. I am so proud of you Kaiya and my love for you is endless. I will treasure the hour I got to hold you forever. I have the picture of me and Daddy holding you in my kitchen along with the necklace I wore at every maternity appointment, and will always keep it up. I thank God for you and the Six months I got to have you in my belly. You will always be my firstborn. There's a hole in my heart, and I'll carry it wherever I go, there's a hole in my heart in the Shape of You. Even though my heart aches, there's a light shining through....look at these beautiful Kaiya Sky pictures people have sent me over the last few weeks.and look at the light that you are shining through. Your Grammy and Boppy took these pictures at the horse barn. Your Aunt Whit thought of you when she saw this sky. Your Aunt Hay Hay is pregnant!!!! She took her "peanut" to visit you the other day!! My guess is that she's having a girl!!! Your daddy and I took this at Joe T Garcia's. We had our wedding reception here. The last time we were here was when I was pregnant with you and Roman and we were imagining the next time we would be here we would have 2 highchairs with us. We felt your prescense here last week on this beautiful day. These are the praying hands at the cemetary that I took materity pictures by when I was 12 weeks pregnant. Your Aunt Whit took this picture and sent it to me the other day. How surreal that when we had no clue as to what was going to happen we took pictures by it, and now you are laid to rest by it. View of pond at the cemetary.
These Kaiya Sky pictures were sent to me by the following: Aleisha Irving, Ashley Hogeland, Nicole Brokaw Clark, Erika Pollock Edwards, Ron and Carmen Coker (your Grandparents), Whitney Terrell and Haley Dodson (your Aunts), Dustin (you Dad), Kristina Delarosa, Megan Childers, David Arbelez, Missy Schuman, Jennifer Faulkenberry, Jenny Terrell, Sarah Miloud, Jana Wammack, Jenny Warthan Jones, Anna Erickson, Sarah Murdock, Gigi, and Your Mommy. Thank you everyone for seeing the beauty in a Kaiya Sky and sharing it with me!!!

I know your only a whisper away. Talk to you soon sweet Kaiya Faith.
My Endless Love,
Your Mommy

Thank you God for answering my question and prayer to you "How can any good come from this?"