21 weeks!

I just got back from the Dr. and my appt went pretty good. Roman and Kaiya look great, and they are both measuring 14 ounces now! So Roman has caught up and Kaiya slowed down just a tad. They are both measuring right on target. Roman was very active like usual with a high heart rate of 158 and Kaiya was pretty chill today with a heartrate of 145. I got to see their cute little toes and fingers, looked at their heart, kidneys, stomach, legs, and confirmed private parts AGAIN!

It appears my cervix has shortened a tad in the last two weeks. Last appt it measured 4.1 cm and today it measured 3.8. He said its still in an ok range, but he doesn't want to see it shorten again. If it does I will be on bedrest. If it shortened to a 2 or below, then I would have a cerclage put in which is a surgery. I really need to take it even more easy than I have been. He said there is a test they can do that gives you a good idea if you may go into labor within the next 2 weeks and we could do that test next time. He said if you're nervous, you can come in next week and we can do it. So of course I said "Yes, I'm nervous" and I have an appt with him to measure it again and do that test next Wed. He said "don't worry, everything will be fine." I feel ok about it.

How far along? 21 weeks!

Baby's size? a little longer than 10.5 inches in length and weighs 14 ounces each!

Weight Gain? 22 pounds!

Maternity clothes? oh yes, but I have been able to find some dresses that are loose in the belly that I've had before and wear them

Stretch marks? none yet but I'm sure they are to come...in the morning I put on Palmer's cocoa butter cream and in the evening I put on bio oil or palmer's oil on my chest, stomach, hips, and butt! I have a ton of veins that are more transparent now, and they are on my chest and stomach.

Sleep? I've been more tired lately, and I've been having back pains and some lower pains (growing pains) in my abdomen.

Foods I am loving? ice cream always sounds good

Foods I am hating? no food aversions right now

Best moment this week? Dustin was able to feel Roman kick!

Movement? Sometimes it feels like they are practicing martial arts as their initial fluttering movements have turned into full-fledged kicks and nudges. About once a day one of them will kick me (or do a somersault) and it literally knocks the breath out of me for a second. Whoever is around me laughs because I let out a quick scream!

Symptoms? I have been having the pregnancy brain more and more, and been forgetting alot of what Dustin has already told me.

Gender? Boy/Girl!

What I miss? What I miss is nothing in comparison to being pregnant!

What I'm looking forward to? The artist that is painting clouds on the ceiling started working on it today, I can't wait to see the finished product!

Weekly Wisdom: Phillipians verse I still play in my mind daily (Philippians 4:6-76-Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.)

Milestones: really looking foward to 24 weeks! only 21 days to go! At 24 weeks they have a 50% chance of viability and my 1st shower will be at 24 weeks and our next 4d sonogram is taking place at 24 weeks! Their faces should be fully developed too!

Emotions: I've known of so many people who have gone into preterm labor at 19, 20, 21, 22, even 23 weeks and have lost their angels just as quickly as they were born. I just can't imagine this. This week, with every odd pain, pulling, back ache etc I begin to worry and can't quit thinking about how indescribably awful this would be. I can't even think of words. I have prayed daily for the few girls I know that have recently gone through this. God has not promised skies always blue, flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God has not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love”

Even though I'm more than halfway there (for twins), I still cannot believe that I am pregnant! Times throughout the day I forget that I am pregnant and when I think about it, it still doesn't feel real sometimes! I wonder if I'm like this because I struggled so long with infertility. What's even crazier is the fact that they are twins! Then to take it one step further, that they are a boy and a girl! I read another girl's blog who is carrying boy/girl twins and I feel the same way i\as her...there is no way!! It just doesn't seem real!!! I feel so so so so so so blessed!

Like I've said before, I do not regret 1 day of the hard road it took to get here. I don't know if I would have as much appreciation and thankfulness for what this gift is if I hadn't gone through it. Infertility was such an emotional roller coaster. Each day was a new emotion, and new thought, a new outlook. The first 2 years were the hardest for me. We were so anxious to start a family and with each month that brought a BFN with it came despair, heartbreak, and not very much hope. I would cry myself to sleep, I would question God much more than I would pray to Him, I was so emotional, I made infertility the priority in my life and my marriage, while forgetting about all the important things that I have. The questioning God part was the biggest eye opener for me. I would wonder why it was so easy for people who abuse their children to get pregnant. I came to the realization that life isn't fair, and one day we will understand all of this. As we were coming up to our 3 year mark of infertility I really hit rock bottom. God "prunes" us for the good and His glory, and let's just say I was all "pruned up"! I was so lost. I felt so alone. This burden was not just infertility anymore it was who I became. Infertility had made me someone I did not want to be. I started to pray. I prayed for my marriage. That is the one thing that suffered through all of this. As I began to pray, I could see changes right before my eyes. Finally I had a breakthrough and cried out to God, I could not handle this burden on my own anymore. I completely surrendered to Him, and the night that my friends and family came over to pray with us, I felt the Holy Spirit there, and I will never forget the surreal peace that overcame me. I had a peace in my heart that transcends all understanding, and I was content without a baby for the first time. This all happened as I was beginning the IVF process. I ask myself now, why did I carry it on my own for so long! I at first was in total awe of what God was doing, then I started to realize that He was always there just waiting to lift my burden from me, I just needed to ask. Seek Him and you will Find Him.

If you are going through a very low point in your infertility, please pray. It works in ways you cannot even imagine. Because really what we are all after is happiness, and for a long time happiness to me was one thing, a baby. I have now realized that happiness is loving what you have now, and appreciating all the blessings that we have today and not focusing on what we do not have! God put me through what I went through so I could share my story with others, and in the end His glory did shine through!