Emotions

What an crazy journey these last 2 1/2 years have been. I really don't want people to "feel sorry" for me. I truly believe that all the things we have been through and have happened to us have been a part of God's will for our life. All the obstacles have been opportunities for me to SEEK him.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely have and have had my moments of sadness. Looking over my blog, the history portrays a hard road, but what it doesn't portray is the raw emotions that went along with that hard road.

Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a mommy. It's extremely scary to think, "will that day ever come"? I dream about the day that I will look into my child's face. I wonder if I will ever have a child that shares my husbands eyes, or my nose. I wonder if I'll ever be called Mommy, or will I always just be "Aunt Kiki".

I read on another girls blog a cool way to look at happiness. It is that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have; it comes from recognizing and appreciating what we do have. I am one extremely blessed woman, and for that I Am Happy!

Until recently I didn't view Happiness in the same light. I have cried until there are no tears, and screamed until I had no voice left. I've literally fallen to my knees more than once. This journey has not been an easy one. Fertility drugs make you crazy. All your hormones are in super high gear. Imagine your worst PMS then multiply it by 1000, then imagine it is happening during a devastating time in your life, almost like the loss of a loved one ...with all this, it may give you 1/2 way to grasping the roller coaster of emotions you are on.

I reached a point where I was tired of being sad and negative, and focusing all my time and energy on something that wasn't in my control. At this point is when I gave all my fears to God. I know I still will have times of fear and sadness, but it will be a lot easier going through these times with God holding my hand through them.

People that struggle with infertility are a lot more common than you would think. 1 in 6 couples would like to have a child but are unable to do so. It is a battle, that unless you are personally going through it or have gone through it, you can't understand what its really like. We grieve the loss of a baby that we may never know. We grieve the loss of a baby who would have had my nose or my husband's eyes. But then every month, there is that hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard I try to prepare myself for the bad news, I still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the sadness comes again. This process happens month after month, year after year. A good way to describe it, is its like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

With all this, believe it or not, I am still Happy. I accept the way I am, and I'm doing the best I can, and leaving the rest to God, and I am content with that. It's an overwhelming peace that comes over my body when I completely surrender to Him.

God asks us to lean on him and he will guide us where we need to go; so that is simply what I am doing. It was hard to let go. You have to hand him your fears for him to hand you his hand. you have to trust in the Lord. Without faith nothing is possible; with faith nothing is impossible.

In the meantime, I have started my weekly or bi-weekly acupuncture and I actually really enjoy it! It is very relaxing. People that know me personally would never think these words would come out of my mouth because I had an EXTREME needle phobia. Goes to show, what you can go through while holding God's hand. Below is a picture of a couple of the needles in my stomach (there were about 10 times that many in other parts of my body.) Once the needles are placed, you lay there for 40 minutes with the needles in and that is when you go into relaxing mode. I listen to my ipod and medidate for those 40 minutes. In a couple of weeks I will begin the IVF protocol (listed in one of my earlier posts).

Thank you so much to my friends and family who have supported me through this journey and will continue to support me with the road ahead, that only "He" knows the outcome.

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