Let Sweet Jesus Hold You Til Mom and Dad Can Hold You...

There is no footprint too small that can leave an impact on this World.

Below is the letter Dustin and I wrote to Roman and Kaiya as our "first words" to them after finding out we were having a boy and a girl. I cherish these words...

Dear Roman and Kaiya,

Wow a boy AND girl! You are such a blessing to us! I prayed for you every day for years and years! I already feel like the luckiest person alive to have you two growing in my tummy. We've gone through every name on the face of this earth and found what we feel is your perfect names. Roman-if we were blessed with a boy we always said we would name him Roman. Your middle name Choice was Grandads name. Your father Dustin is a spitting image of who Choice was. Choice told us he believed we were pregnant and pregnant with twins and that they were a boy and a girl before we knew we were even pregnant! After he told us this that night the Lord took him in his sleep. Hours after he passed away we found out we were pregnant! Two weeks later we found out it was twins! Grandad somehow knew. God holds the beginning and the end in His hands. Kaiya-your name means diamond in the sky. We sponsor a little girl named Marie who lives in Congo Africa. The program we sponsor her through is called World Vision. Their symbol is a diamond in the sky. Your due date is her birthday! Your middle name Faith is the middle name we've always wanted our little girl to have. Our faith in God and that His promise would prevail NEVER wavered from our hearts. By grace you are saved through FAITH, not by yourselves; it is a gift from God-Ephesians 2:8. Both of you have already made me the happiest mother on earth. God has a special purpose for each of you. I wouldn't trade the hard journey we went through to have you for the world. We tried over and over to plan for you. One day we realized, it wasn't our plan it was GOD'S PLAN. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation for the things they are blessed with are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I know you will struggle at times in life, but my prayer to you is that you keep your eyes on the Lord and surrender to Him because His will for you will never take you where His grace will not protect you. Having gone through everything we went through to have you, I will NEVER take ANYTHING forgranted about the blessing of being your mother. I will notice everything about you. I willl take time to watch you sleep, explore and discover. I will actually be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of you crying, knowing I can comfort hold and feed you, and know that I'm not waking up to take my temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself blessed that God has given me this insight , this special vision with which I will look upon you with. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, a better friend and neighbor because I have known pain. The love I have for you is indescribable and I can't wait to see life again through your eyes and become a family. You have the best Boppy, Grammy, Nana, and Papa anyone could ever ask for. You also have the best aunts and uncles and cousins who cannot wait to meet you. I will marvel at this incredible miracle everyday for the rest of my life! Glory be to God!!

With unmeasurable love,

Your Mommy

Dear Roman and Kaiya,

Wow! I do not know what I have done to deserve such a blessing! Your mom and I have tried for three years to have one child, but I guess God thought after all that work he would give us the ultimate gift, a son and a daughter, at the same time! I know that as you two grow older you will learn many times what it feels like to want something that you cannot have. But when it comes to wanting to be a parent and not succeeding its, well its just different. Now although it has been a very long, tedious, emotional, and expensive, oh and did I mention expensive process I wouldn't change it for the world. You see when you want something you cannot have, you begin to want it even more. You will start to notice more people with it, and it seems to get more popular the longer you go without it until just about everyone you know and see have it (even people that you would never think would even want the same thing you want, oh yes they got one too)! But to want to be a mother and a father, that's different. You don't want it more beacuse your friend is a mom or a dad and it looks cool. You want it because the longer you go without it, you realize what a blessing, wow what a miracle. Man God is Awesome! And so with that said I just want to say thank you friends and family for all your prayers, and thank you God for answering them. So Roman and Kaiya, welcome to this family and as you two will quickly see, you are so loved, so wanted, and such an awesome blessing!

Love, Dad

Looking back at the letter I wrote...I was right in that God did have a special purpose for each of our children. Kaiya's life had great meaning and purpose. There is a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go. There's a hold in my heart in the shape of Kaiya. The doctors said parts of her will always be with me physically and we know that spiritually, she's with me everyday. Dustin is getting her footprints tatooed on his heart. I am a forever changed person after carrying her, then holding her sweet body, then letting Jesus hold her til I can hold her again. Sweet Kaiya brought so many people closer to the Lord. I have countless emails of people who were literally brought to their knees in prayer over the last few months. It excites me to think of how many people Roman will bring to the Lord and what his life entails.

When I started my blog about a year ago, under the "About Us" title I wrote...whatever is to come I will be steadfast in my love for the Lord, knowing that His plan is perfect whether it makes sense to me or not. I am at peace with Kaiya and know that she's in Heaven...she just got to see Heaven before we do! I truly feel blessed that I am Kaiya's mother. I am honored that He chose me and used me to reveal His Glory. When we prepare our hearts to experience him, he will prepare our eyes to see Him. We definitely saw Him through this journey. From the rainbow, Roman and Kaiya's birth date, and there is too many things to mention with how He revealed Himself to us. Please pray for us this week as we lay her body to rest.

The pictures below I have chosen to share with you. I have chosen to do this because I hope that you can see and feel God's Grace that was with us during this time. People ask..."how are you so strong...how did you do that?" The only answer I have is His Grace and the peace He gave me. The quote I have at the top of my blog reads...The will of God will never take you where His Grace will not protect you. He did just that...

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives"-Genesis 50:20

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared for you" Exodus 23:20

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18